Love.

I have been threatening to write this post for a while.  Why has it taken me so long? Because this story is living, it is breathing, and it continues to evolve.  But I can no longer “not” write it.  It is written indelibly across my heart, to be sure. 

Loving someone has never been easy for me.  Maybe loving me has never been easy for someone.  Either way, I have struggled with the thought and ultimately with the course and existence of true love.  I was and am a fairly decent human being.  I try to treat others as I would like to be treated, I ache for human rights, I want animals to be treated well and I adore my children.   They range in age from 14 to 25 and they know of my struggles with true love, of not even wanting it to not even believing it existed.  About fifteen months ago, someone asked me if I would ever consider getting married again.  I guffawed and said not only no, but “Hell No!”  Love had been a source of hurt for me, of unfulfilled expectations and marriage fell right along side love – it was a joke.  I no longer believed in castles on clouds or knights on white horses.   Dragons ruled the earth and my best bet was to learn how to breathe fire.

For several months in 2010, I dated someone with whom I was not in love – I had decided the year before that I would never say the “L” word again and that I would never allow myself to become involved with someone who might make me want to say it.  There was no risk of “love” in that relationship, I was uninterested in love or what it could/would do for me.  I believed it would only bring heartache – for that had been my only experience.  Late in the year, however, I met someone.  I didn’t think when I met him that a relationship would develop, as a matter of fact, I was only interested in his work.  He taught at a local college and directed college theater - and he was good at it.  I have been involved in community and independent theater since I was only three, so yes, his work intrigued me.  Because we had mutual friends, we later connected on Facebook.

And something was happening to me.  I ended my dating relationship because I started to think, “Why am I spending so much time with someone I don’t love?”  What?? I was shocked that I thought that and even more shocked that I acted on it.  The person I had been dating was “nice” – and that is what I said every time anyone asked about him, “Oh, he’s very nice.”  That relationship ended right after New Year’s.  It wasn’t exactly a new resolution, but it was more a new attitude.  Meanwhile, Facebook conversations continued with Thomas, the college professor.   Midway through January, I realized I really liked him.  I realized that maybe he might be worth the risk I had been avoiding for so long. I realized that my current conclusions of love would only lead to loneliness.  I realized that not only did I not want to be lonely but I actually wanted to be loved.  Dear God – what was I thinking…

Late night writing sessions and endless conversations, chasing each other around our Facebook pages, commenting on previously posted pictures, reading random posts and asking thoughtful questions in Facebook Messenger ignited in me something I thought was not present, something I had feared and avoided…, and incessantly joked about –  that damn “L” word.  Was it possible?  Could my heart be softened?  Could someone actually love me?  Could I actually love them back?  Could they accept me for who I was?  Could I accept them for who they were?  The answers all bounced around my aching head and they were a resounding and loud “YES!”

January 25th of this year marks the one-year anniversary of our first date.  I gave in.  I shared confessions of love, confessions of wanting to be loved and I shared my pain and previous hurts. I let it all go… I knew it was a risk and for some unknown reason, I was willing to take that risk.  I knew that only through that absolute vulnerability would I be able to experience absolute love.  And I was right.  Love had not only found me, it had come to rest lightly on my broken heart and it began the healing process I had been aching for, needing.

Given that there is a fine line between credit and blame, I could easily blame Facebook or I could easily credit the smart phone that was held tightly to my ear each night that we spoke to each other… all those times we let go of hurt and took steps toward healing.  I jokingly say that I fell in love on Facebook and it is true that love letters were written to me on that forum.  It is also true that I wrote poetry and sent it through the web like an arrow leaving a bow.  And it is true that desire for love and more grew and that it continues to grow today…

Christmas Eve brought a question I never thought I would hear and an answer I never thought I would give… And the next morning, on December 25, 2011, eleven months after our first date, Thomas and I synchronized our relationship update on Facebook.  We updated our status to “engaged” simultaneously and this summer, after we say our I do’s – we will synchronize once again.

So, I guess my “hell no” to marriage has fallen by the way side, it has left my vocabulary, and I look forward to becoming  Thomas’ wife and living in love for as long as I live.

The power of words, the unselfish sharing of feelings, and our ability to communicate made all the difference.  And guess what?  I am happy.

Who knew?

**And while 33% of UK divorces are being blamed on Facebook.  I am going to offer a bit of credit for this marriage.  :-)

Rayanne Thorn, @ray_anne is the Marketing Director for the online recruiting software company, Broadbean Technology.  She is also a proud mother of four residing in Laguna Beach, California, and a contributor for Blogging4Jobs.  Connect with her on LinkedIn.  

Building a relationship with a recruiter is essential in your job search. You need to have respect for your recruiter. No matter what you have heard about recruiters or what you think of them, they are providing you a service and they could be your vehicle to a new job. I honestly think this is probably THE most important factor in building the relationship, and something that has been lacking whilst the market has been so buoyant.

As a Corporate Recruiter now, I see a change in people’s attitude when they change from thinking I am an agency recruiter to knowing I am truly representing my company. I don’t understand this. Recruiters will represent you into perspective clients, companies with jobs you may never hear of. Recruiters are always good to have on side, you should be using their skills and networks to your advantage.

If you are applying for a role it is up to you to build the relationship, and this starts from the initial interaction. From my point of view, a conversation beats an email. However the conversation needs to have meaning.

Please don’t call with a “I want to know more about the job”. Think about the ad.. think about how you can excel in it, and have questions which will help you tailor your cv to the role. Then tell them you will call them to discuss your potential suitability (at a certain time, get agreement on that) and stick to it.

Know this, you will only form a relationship if you can show, straight off the bat, that you will ad value to that Recruiter. Sounds crass doesn’t it? It’s true though, Recruiters literally get hundreds of calls and emails a day. Remember you are selling them something… yourself, being different and able to ad value to them makes a difference.

Once you speak to a Recruiter, modestly sell yourself, allow them to get to know you. When you get that interview, WOW them. Be open and honest, avoid game playing (For example, I’ve never seen the value of avoiding the salary question, as a Recruiter, it annoys me more than anything). No matter what you hear, I’m not convinced playing a game will give you an advantage one way or another, and I’m not sure you want a one up man ship, competitive style relationship with your recruiter. The more you get paid the more commission they make.. It is in their best interests to get you more. But also it is their job to help you realign expectations if they don’t match the clients budget. The Recruiters job is to find the right person for their client. Your job is to make them know that is you.

If your situation changes, (ie other job offers, the reason you were looking for a job disappears etc)let them know, give them honest feedback from your client interview, good bad or indifferent.

Again, treat them as you want them to treat you, but understand the dynamic of your relationship, you both have the same goal, just coming at it from different angles!

Photo Credit Unity

Dan Nuroo, our guest blogger is a recruiter based in Australia.  Dan has been in the Recruitment industry since 1997, where he started working for an IT Recruitment Agency. He worked in a number of roles there, from resourcer to Account Manager to general consultant. In 2002 he took the plunge into the world of Internal Recruitment and has been in his current role with DWS as National Recruitment Manager since then. He is a career Recruiter who is passionate about the industry, and when time allows he is active in a number of online Recruiting Communities.  Email Dan at Dan.Nuroo@dws.com.au or visit his blog, Say Something Dan.

Who would have thought that Recruiters, usually intense competitors, could come together in a social network like this to share ideas and lift spirits? What a transformation I have encountered over the last several years in recruiter socialization and how networks like LinkedIn, Talent Bar, Xing, ZoomInfo, and of course, Recruiting Blogs are bringing like- and unlike-minded folks together.

I have always thought there was plenty of room in this world for all of us recruiters, although I was not brought up in the business that way. You know: “Keep your rolodex to yourself!” I am so often reminded of that scene in Jerry McGuire when he leaves his current agency and no one wants to talk to him or move on with him because of fear. Fear of ostracization and failure, I assume.

It is easy to misinterpret what we read in print, I think a significant amount of meaning is lost when tone and “twinkle” are removed through the written word. But that is how communication evolves, isn’t it? We may be going back to the lost art of letter writing. This desire to stay connected is part of our nature as social beings.

I watched a video  of an elephant, using his trunk, to paint a portrait of an elephant on an easel, I think in India or Thailand. There were many tourists standing around and they were all completely enthralled at what this elephant was able to accomplish, and it was a good portrait, by the way…, You may be able to youtube it. I am sure those people walked away from there in awe of what they had seen but soon forgot the connection they made with nature and the other humans that had witnessed the same thing.

How often we forget, lose touch, and then get back to the grind of what our reality is when it is really all about relationships and how we connect and treat one another. Awww, once again, a look at the Golden Rule… some may disagree but that is what it is all about.

Words to work by.

Rayanne Thorn, @ray_anne is the Marketing Director for the online recruiting software company, Broadbean Technology.  She is also a proud mother of four residing in Laguna Beach, California, and a contributor for Blogging4Jobs.  Connect with her on LinkedIn.