Boob Job Confessions

In May of 1998, I had breast augmentation surgery.  Yep, a Boob Job.

When I was twelve years old and walking home from junior high school, a seemingly innocent thing happened to me.  There were three boys walking about twenty feet behind me on the opposite side of the street.  One of them yelled out, “Hey Rayanne, you’re a surfer’s dream…”  I just ignored them, hoping and praying they wouldn’t say the second part, but they did, “Flat as a board and ugly as a skag.” And then they wailed with laughter – they were so funny.  Though I won’t, I could tell you each of their names, because that moment is etched in my brain and on my forever twelve-year old heart.

The sad thing is, I was just twelve! Puberty hadn’t even reared its ugly head.

They didn’t know they were hurting me, that they were changing my life – that they were changing forever how I would view myself.  I was raised to have no fear, to believe I could achieve and be anything that I wanted.  From that moment, all I wanted was to be beautiful.  And from that moment, I would fight through life, hoping to find love and feel beautiful.  But I was smart too and usually, I was able to overcome my feelings of inadequacy.   I was long and lean, played multiple sports and participated in theater – on the outside, I appeared to have incredible self-confidence.  And I knew – deep down – that what those boys said shouldn’t matter, I didn’t want it to, anyway. 

I grew up and went on to marry and have children.  After many years, my marriage floundered and we grew apart.  We wanted it to work and we tried, desperately tried.   The father of my kids was a police officer and he started have nightmares brought on by his work, dreams that were so vivid that he started talking and thrashing in his sleep.  He also started having other kinds of dreams, dreams about women.  Women with big boobs.  I knew those dreams were not about me – after breastfeeding four kids? They were for sure not about me.  All of sudden, I was twelve-years old again.  And it hurt.

All I wanted was to let go of that old, way-too-familiar pain, and I started to do research and find out all I could about the surgery.  My family doctor was angry with me for even considering, he told me I was fine the way I was and I didn’t need to do this to my body.  He asked how long had I been thinking about it.  I told him ever since I saw the fabulous Raquel Welch in 1 Million Years BC.  I had been thinking about it for a long time, but I always brushed it aside because I didn’t want it to matter.  My doc reluctantly signed the paper work for the surgeon and my surgery was scheduled.   I never hesitated or had a second thought, it was going to happen.

I have to tell you, it hurt like hell.  For about three weeks, I wondered what I had done, why had I done it.  And sadly, it didn’t help my marriage, like I had hoped.  It did help my self-esteem, but I incessantly worried everyone would find out and then I would be judged because I had done it.  I have been thinking about this exposition for many months, but when I saw the trailer for Miss Representation yesterday, I knew it was time.

The bottom line is that words matter.  What we say to people and how we say it matters.  What the media says doesn’t matter.  Men have insecurities, too.   The pressures and demands from work and family or relationships are great. Somehow, we all need to look past the outside and see the heart and mind.  Know a person.  People judge, they discriminate – but is that in our nature or are we trained or nurtured to do so?

I am forty-eight years old.  I am proud to be where I am in my life.  I won’t ever do Botox.  I had braces. I don’t dye my hair.  I wear very little make-up and I hate high heels.   And yes, I had a boob job, but no, I am not sorry I did.  And I do not have shame for doing so.  I am thankful this surgery exists for the simple fact that Breast Cancer exists and claims boobs and lives.  So, you see, it had nothing to do with being stuck up or ego, it had to do with lack of self-esteem and wanting to be loved.  Exactly the opposite of what most people think…

I know now that I didn’t need it to be successful or beautiful or to be loved.
Something I should have known all along.

**The Art of Exposition is an ongoing series about life lessons and the truths we often neglect.

Rayanne Thorn, @ray_anne is the Marketing Director for the online recruiting software company, Broadbean Technology.  She is also a proud mother of four residing in Laguna Beach, California, and a contributor for Blogging4Jobs.  Connect with her on LinkedIn.

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